I was at this time living, like so many Athiests or Antitheists, in a whirl of contradictions. I maintained that God did not exist. I was also very angry with God for not existing. I was equally angry with Him for creating the world. How far was this pessimism, this desire not to have been, sincere?...It is true that when a pessimist's life is threatened he behaves like other men; his impulse to preserve life is stronger than his judgement that life is not worth preserving. But how does this prove that the judgment was insincere or even erroneous? A man's judgment that whisky is bad for him is not invalidated by the fact that when the bottle is at hand he finds desire stronger than reason and succumbs. Having once tasted life, we are subjected to the impulse of self-preservation. Life, in other words, is as habit-forming as cocaine. What then? If I still held creation to be "a great injustice" I should hold that this impulse to retain life aggravates the injustice. If it is bad to be forced to drink the potion, how does it mend matters that the potion turns out to be an addiction drug? Pessimism cannot be answered so.
....That which I greatly feared had at last come upon me...I gave in, admitted God was God, and knelt and prayed: perhaps the most dejected and reluctant convert in all England. I did not see what is now the most shining and obvious thing; the Divine humility which will accept a convert even on such terms. The prodigal son at least walked home on his own feet. But who can duly adore that Love which will open the high gates to a prodigal who is brought in kicking, struggliing, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance 0f escape? The words compelle intrare, compel them to come in, have been so abused by wicked men that we shudder at them; but, properly understood, they plumb the depth of the Divine mercy. The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of men, and His compulsion is our liberation.
A Time to Begin
Each of us has a message to share, a collaboration of random thoughts, a collection of epiphanies, a portrait of our soul. The artisit within me yearns to translate the beauty and wisdom I see around me into creative expression...At times maybe I'll feel inspired to use this method as just another way to express certain ideas that have churned in my mind...but I'd also love to share insights that have been imparted to me from some other source. If you feel so inclined, I would welcome you to share in my pondering. And per chance, if it should speak to your heart in any way, then it has served a noble purpose beyond my greatest hopes.
The Reason for HOPE
Some time ago, I felt such a magnetism to this concept of hope. It so impressed upon me that I wanted to write about it and solidify these thoughts. They served as a cornerstone to stand on, a catalyst for forward motion. I truly felt that God placed a selection of verses into my mind and heart, revolving around hope, that I couldn't keep within me. They have been used in a powerful way in my life, yet my understanding about them was not complete. For example in Romans 5, Paul professes ..."and hope does not disappoint us..." yet when I considered what the popular view of hope looks like, this verse could be such a contradiction. Surely, according to the world's view, hope is a grasp at some wish that we desire to become true yet have no reassurance of coming into fulfillment. An amazing thing was made clear to me after a discussion I had with members of my small group. The hope we have as Christians is not an uncertainty but a conviction of those things that God has already promised us. His promises are given to us as a deposit in our hearts. This is the beauty of the Hope we have in Christ. We do not have to grieve like the hopeless and brokenhearted, because we know with absolute certainty that we have direct contact with the creator of the universe, who promises to be actively engaged in our lives, to never leave us or forsake us, and to finally experience eternity with him. Speaking plainly, I hate to be disappointed. And though it is inevitable in a striving humanity, the hope of Jesus is counter-cultural. It will never disappoint.
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